A Sordid Tale of An Execrable Beast That Ambushed My Tomato Parmesan Soup And the Magic Sap I Used to Slay This Monster

Here, I tell you an account of a meal gone sour. Fortunately, the story has a startling turn for the good, and all turned out well in the end. At least that's how I tell this sordid tale. No one quite believes me when I speak of it, for they were not present for the calamity that arose from my acerbic concoction . They only experienced the happy ending and declared this soup the best I have ever made. If they only knew the horror I had to patch in order to make it such.

The tale starts, as many of my soups do, sauteing (in two tablespoons of butter) one medium onion, diced; two celery stalks, diced; and one large carrot, diced. All was well. 

As with all good soups, I added the spices and herbs which gives it savory zest (1/4 teaspoon black pepper, 1 tablespoon dried parsley, 1 teaspoon dried basil and 1 bay leaf).

Then I added the heart of the soup: 2-15 oz. cans of chopped tomatoes and 1-15 oz. can of chicken broth. 

Here, in this next step, is where the tale takes a slipshod pivot in the wrong direction. I read the advice of many well known "professional" chefs and decided to try finely grated Parmesan cheese to add a unique flavor.

However, instead of unique flavor, I received a melted  knot of cheese that was tantamount to a viscid creature as seen in horror movies. You've seen them before. Once touched by their sticky flesh your body is attached to theirs indefinitely.

You've seen this in shows like "The Blob."

With quick wit and an amble dash, I avoided this monster by trudging on and ignoring him as my  first mistake (and throwing him, melted blob and all, into the trash). I added two cups of half and half... 

blended it with my Bamix immersion blender (the best, by the way), and stirred and...well...it tasted lurid. Nasty. Horrid. Where had I gone wrong? I panicked. Where do I turn? Where can I run? The  Parmesan  blob was easy enough to put down. I just ignored him and he went away, but this monster named "Execrable Flavor" is a much grimmer opponent.  

The flavor was bland, so I raced for a can of diced tomatoes with chipotle chilies. Surly that will slay this rabid beast...no, no, no! It lives! It still lives! 

I reached into my satchel and pulled out a magic powder that has served me well in times past. "Half a teaspoon of Old Bay Seasoning should work," I thought to myself. But no. The malod animal lived on!

Oh, what have I done?! Surly my use of  Land-O-Lakes fat-free half and half  has given this creature its power. But it has always worked in times past. A delicate balance between health and flavor. Damned be health! Damned be vibrance! Damned be robustness and stamina! What good is it with out flavor? With out essence? With out sapor? With out savor? 

There was one last chance to slay this invincible being. Deep in the forest there grows a sweet white sap on the trunk of the Philadelphia tree. It is possible that 8 oz. of this thick white syrup could end this deplorable battle. Mine was a feral ride through the forest, and on several occurrences, I was almost overtaken, but retrieved the sap and slayed the beast. 

When I returned, the welcome was the glorious. The whole kingdom declared this the best soup I have ever made, but when I told them the story I have just related to you, they balked and said there is no such monster in these parts. 

INGREDIENTS:

1 medium onion, finely chopped

1 large carrot, finely chopped (I will actually leave it out next time)

2 celery stalks, finely chopped

1/4 teaspoon black pepper

1 tablespoon dried parsley

1 teaspoon dried basil

1 bay leaf

1/2 teaspoon Old Bay Seasoning

2-15 oz. cans diced tomatoes

1-15 oz. can diced tomatoes with chipotle chilies

1-15 oz. can chicken broth (name brand is usually better)

8 oz. block of cream cheese

2 cups half and half or cream (not the low-fat or no-fat variety)

 DIRECTIONS:

1. In large pot, saute 1 medium onion, over medium heat, 1 large carrot (unless you leave it out, like I do), and 2 celery stalks, all of them finely chopped. Cook until onions are translucent.

2. Add 1/4 teaspoon black pepper, 1 tablespoon dried parsley, 1 bay leaf

1/2 teaspoon Old Bay Seasoning. Stir until combined.

3. Add 2-15 oz. cans diced tomatoes, 1-15 oz. can diced tomatoes with chipotle chilies, 1-15 oz. can chicken broth. Cook until boiling.

4. Add 1-8 oz. block of cream cheese and stir until it is melted and combined.

5. Turn off heat and stir in 2 cups half and half or cream.

6. Eat and enjoy.